… is available for anyone to read. Simply go Amazon, and read the customer reviews of toasters. I’m a kind of finicky kitchen appliance consumer myself, but I was taken aback when I began to look through the listings: tales of insufficient coils, poorly engineered levers and useless settings. Getting toasted bread comes to seem like an impossible task, and the undercurrent of shattered, silent breakfasts is inescapable.
The Zenith of Human Desire
What sort of toaster to get is a no-brainer, you want the Hello Kitty toaster. In lovely pink and white, it toasts the image of Miss Kitty onto every slice. Other models include a toaster oven and a sandwich grill which do the same. Please note that the image of Her Kittiness is actually reversed, that is, shielded from the toasting coils, so that if you burn the bread, the Miss Kitty part is still the edible part, not the burned part. Here was the best image I could find…
http://64.95.118.51/images/opti/2d/03/hmgdSmall_AppliancesAllSanyo_Hello_Kitty_Toaster_SK_KT2-resized200.jpg
This is surpassed only by the Mickey Mouse Musical Toaster, which in addition to marking your toast with the familiar rodent (copyright extended), plays the Mickey Mouse Club March when your toast is ready.
One of the sillier items to come out of design schools was a prototype for an internet-connected toaster that would report the weather forecast on your toast — branding a sun, clouds, rainclouds, or snowflake onto your toast depending on the conditions, for people apparently too lazy to stick their head out a window. Such an appliance will come in handy when we’re living subterraneanly, and some of us who haven’t absorbed too much radiation can still go to the surface.
One of my favorite things when perusing “kitchen porn” like the Chefs Inc. and Hammacher Schlemmer catalogs are checking out applicances that ONLY DO ONE THING, like the Baconer, or the device that only cooks hotdogs on its spears — my favorite was a tall toaster-looking-like device with 8 holes instead of 2 or 4 slots, and all it did was WARM HOT DOG BUNS. The traditional toaster only does one thing, but almost every kitchen in American makes room for it. The significance of which opens the debate: is it about the crunch imparted by the toasting process, the fleeting warmth, or the opportunity to consume melted butter?
In a world where it’s all too easy to be overwhelmed by impending doom (are we at Orange or Yellow today?), and by complex and ever-failing technologies, we want to be able to depend on what should be a relatively simple thing, our toaster’s performance in the morning. We can no longer trust our politicians, our churches, our employers — is it too much to ask that we can trust our toaster? That much, at least, we hope to be able to control.
Re: The Zenith of Human Desire
Your talk of failing technologies and governments makes me wish that we had customer reviews for defense technologies: “I’ve always used Lockheed products so I looked forward to purchasing the new B3 bomber. I’m sorry to say that I was VERY disapointed! First the stealth color scheme is very depressing and also makes it hard to find at night. I wanted to make a strafing run on some of my more annoying neighbors, and had to wander a round for an hour before I could even locate the thing!. The armrests are misplaced and so-called “auto targeting” takes half an hour to boot up and almost six hours to program!! The manual was no help and when I called customer service I was put on hold! All in all a very bad experience.”
Maybe this would go some distance to providing the kind of government oversight we can all use.
In the mean time, the 17.00 toaster I bought two years ago has turned into a bread warmer. I think it is imprinting the image of Casper the friendly ghost on my bagels but maybe its the Virgin of Guadalupe.
BRAINSTORM! why not have a toaster that imprints the image of Christ into each and every slice! Start the day with your very own miracle.
by one of my favorite authors…
Lives there a man with soul so dead
He’s never to his toaster said:
“You are my friend; I see in you
An object sturdy, staunch, and true;
A fellow mettlesome and trim;
A brightness that the years can’t dim.”?
Then let us praise the brave appliance
In which we place this just reliance.
And offer it with each fresh slice
Such words of friendship and advice
As “How are things with you tonight?”
Or “Not too dark but not too light.”
– Thomas M. Disch
Recherche du toast perdu…
My problems re toasting really started when I allowed Phillip to keep the toaster in the post-cohabitation-possession-division. The model I left with him was a a white single slot wonder, with a slot wide enough to handle the grossly inflated bagels sold by my (then) local deli. When I bought it (at Cliff’s Hardware in San Francisco) it was nothing special, but then you never know when you’re going to luck onto the random trustworthy piece of technology. Also who would guess that styles would change so much, reverting back to double slot toasters? Of course as amiable as Phil is, I couldn’t go back to him and try to wrangle possession of the old toaster. There’s something too creepy about that.
Of course this brings up the whole issue of cohabit-ors and their preferred toaster settings. Do you for example find an average toast setting for you and your SO or are you continually resetting the toaster?
Re: The Zenith of Human Desire
Your talk of failing technologies and governments makes me wish that we had customer reviews for defense technologies: “I’ve always used Lockheed products so I looked forward to purchasing the new B3 bomber. I’m sorry to say that I was VERY disapointed! First the stealth color scheme is very depressing and also makes it hard to find at night. I wanted to make a strafing run on some of my more annoying neighbors, and had to wander a round for an hour before I could even locate the thing!. The armrests are misplaced and so-called “auto targeting” takes half an hour to boot up and almost six hours to program!! The manual was no help and when I called customer service I was put on hold! All in all a very bad experience.”
Maybe this would go some distance to providing the kind of government oversight we can all use.
In the mean time, the 17.00 toaster I bought two years ago has turned into a bread warmer. I think it is imprinting the image of Casper the friendly ghost on my bagels but maybe its the Virgin of Guadalupe.
BRAINSTORM! why not have a toaster that imprints the image of Christ into each and every slice! Start the day with your very own miracle.
Recherche du toast perdu…
My problems re toasting really started when I allowed Phillip to keep the toaster in the post-cohabitation-possession-division. The model I left with him was a a white single slot wonder, with a slot wide enough to handle the grossly inflated bagels sold by my (then) local deli. When I bought it (at Cliff’s Hardware in San Francisco) it was nothing special, but then you never know when you’re going to luck onto the random trustworthy piece of technology. Also who would guess that styles would change so much, reverting back to double slot toasters? Of course as amiable as Phil is, I couldn’t go back to him and try to wrangle possession of the old toaster. There’s something too creepy about that.
Of course this brings up the whole issue of cohabit-ors and their preferred toaster settings. Do you for example find an average toast setting for you and your SO or are you continually resetting the toaster?
butting in on your conversation…
…because i’m rude like that.
sorry, i just feel a sudden urge to tell someone i don’t know about my tastes in bread-surface dryness.
i like my bread lightly toasted, golden brown with the occasional smidge of deeper orange.
this was an excellent post/thread, i think
Re: butting in on your conversation…
No need to apologize. I think that’s what they call an ice breaker. I myself care actually more about heat than color since for me it’s all about melting the butter, honey, peanut butter etc. I hate it when toast gets hard and crunchy, but not warm enough and the desired alchemy doesn’t take place. That’s my current toaster problem – one time through and it’s barely begun and twice through and it’s cajun blackened bread. And I’m not about to reset the toaster between the two cycles. So the current quest is for a nice middle of the road toaster. I’ve tried looking at vintage ones on ebay, but that’s an even dodgier proposition.
Re: butting in on your conversation…
gotcha….i’ve got an advantage there – i eat my toast plain, so i need not worry about melting spreads…unless it’s dessert toast, when i put on dulce de leche….which i warm up in the microwave.
good luck on the toaster search!
Re: butting in on your conversation…
No need to apologize. I think that’s what they call an ice breaker. I myself care actually more about heat than color since for me it’s all about melting the butter, honey, peanut butter etc. I hate it when toast gets hard and crunchy, but not warm enough and the desired alchemy doesn’t take place. That’s my current toaster problem – one time through and it’s barely begun and twice through and it’s cajun blackened bread. And I’m not about to reset the toaster between the two cycles. So the current quest is for a nice middle of the road toaster. I’ve tried looking at vintage ones on ebay, but that’s an even dodgier proposition.
THE SUBJECT THREAD THAT REFUSES TO DIE!
Amazingly, you can spend a lot on a new toaster. The most expensive one on Amazon goes for $380, more expensive than most toaster ovens (or bicycles, for that matter). Among its features is one adjustable “leg” so you can keep the toaster absolutely level even if your counter or table is not.
If you like to keep an eye on the “color” (ahem) of your toast, I was going to recommend Black and Decker’s Arize toaster
with its clear side panels, until I read the most horrendous customer reviews of it at Amazon: “The most serious problem was having the bread burst into flames,” “The flames were shooting out the top,” “Don’t leave the room while the toaster is in use,” “I regret buying this toaster.”
[Black and Decker also makes a bunch of other dubious single-function appliances, such as its Twister, into which you spoon ice cream and it STIRS IT AROUND into a softer consistency (which also has some terrible and terribly funny customer reviews at Amazon), and for the many households without a man (or someone who knows the knife or warm water methods), the Lids Off Automatic Jar Opener, a device that does nothing but OPENS JARS — now on sale for only $50!]
For cool looks, I’d go with the Italian-designed Tix toaster
, all chrome and dial and handlebars to lift the toast platform.
I wonder who thinks of these things: here’s a toaster
that’s already wired to plug into your car’s 12V cigarette lighter, so you can now make toast in your car.
And, lastly, here’s a product designer with a sense of humor: The window to this combination toaster oven and microwave
is in the shape of an opening to an old-time hearth. It’s name? The Warm & Toasty.
See, I told you…
… that toast is a hot button topic! Here’s my most shameful toaster confession: this is the toaster i covet: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00009NRP7/qid=1063311548/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/002-8062536-9750416?v=glance&s=kitchen . The dualit toaster at 319.00. I used one of these while teaching at and artists retreat in Vermont, and it was the dreamiest toasting experience I’ve ever had. Two main reasons: fristly there is no spring eject mechanism. You raise and lower the the toast with a lever. Secondly, intstead of a doneness dial that works by some arbirtray system you have a fourminute kitchen timer. Really the closest to just placing your bread in a hot oven for a specific period of time. This may not seem like much but it makes all the difference in the world. The problem is, having tasted to good life I find myself unable to settle for anything else. I am not however mentally capable of plunking down 300 + dollars for a toaster (although it’s less than fifty cents a slice if i use it every day for a year What i don’t understand is why those features can only be found in such a pricey package.
Indulging your rationalizations
Yup, that’s the most expensive toaster with the adjustable foot. But remember: no tax, free shipping, a free sandwich cage (think of all the money you save no longer having to hit the panini bars), and $60 in rebate certificates from Amazon that could go toward more CDs and DVDs. So it’s really only $259! I repeat, think of the money you’re saving! More importantly, though, do you need the four-slice model? Are you planning on cohabitating and eating breakfast together on a regular basis with a new inamorata sometime soon? They also make a two-slice model (only $219, or $179 after rebate), and — this is so cool — a three-slice model
, which they should call the Ernie Bushmiller, “not two rocks, not four rocks — three rocks”.
According to the reviews at epinions, the best place to buy a Dualit toaster is at Williams Sonoma OUTLET stores, where the two-slice model sells for only $99. You don’t, however, get to choose from a selection of all thirteen colors.
Speaking of Ernie, let’s play Five Card Nancy!:
http://www.7415comics.com/nancy/index.shtml
Get thee behind me, O toasty Satan!
Don’t think I haven’t rehearsed everyone of those justifications already! But a little bit of reflection has made me realise what the three slot toaster is for: making club sandwhiches!
Five card Nancy reminds me however of another reason I can’t blow that much money on toast: I’m saving up to get an original Nancy strip.
Surfed you through friend and then realized we’ve chatted before! But anyways, I have a beef with toasters. I would love that little color coded dial from “light” to “dark” to actually be accurate for once? I mean, if I want light beige bread with dark beige overtones…I want to be able to select that color and have it turn out that way…
See, I told you…
… that toast is a hot button topic! Here’s my most shameful toaster confession: this is the toaster i covet: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00009NRP7/qid=1063311548/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/002-8062536-9750416?v=glance&s=kitchen . The dualit toaster at 319.00. I used one of these while teaching at and artists retreat in Vermont, and it was the dreamiest toasting experience I’ve ever had. Two main reasons: fristly there is no spring eject mechanism. You raise and lower the the toast with a lever. Secondly, intstead of a doneness dial that works by some arbirtray system you have a fourminute kitchen timer. Really the closest to just placing your bread in a hot oven for a specific period of time. This may not seem like much but it makes all the difference in the world. The problem is, having tasted to good life I find myself unable to settle for anything else. I am not however mentally capable of plunking down 300 + dollars for a toaster (although it’s less than fifty cents a slice if i use it every day for a year What i don’t understand is why those features can only be found in such a pricey package.
Get thee behind me, O toasty Satan!
Don’t think I haven’t rehearsed everyone of those justifications already! But a little bit of reflection has made me realise what the three slot toaster is for: making club sandwhiches!
Five card Nancy reminds me however of another reason I can’t blow that much money on toast: I’m saving up to get an original Nancy strip.
Matt: Whenever I find the journal of someone really, really hot, there you are!
I don’t think this is a coincidence, somehow.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
heh heh.
Hmmmmm,
Well neither do I, but I…. hey waittaminnit! Did I just get called hot?
Hmmmmm,
Well neither do I, but I…. hey waittaminnit! Did I just get called hot?
Re: Hmmmmm,
yep, fraid so, hotstuff 😉