The only thing that really made me pay attention to last night’s Oscar cast was the footage of Bette Davis announcing Marlon Brando’s win in a demented outerspace pixie outfit. It made me love her so much. Tilda’s speech was OK, but I wish she’d have thanked Derek Jarman as much as her American agent.

Biggest laugh? Jessica Alba being introduced as “always fascinating”. Truly, hardly a day goes by without me being fascinated by Jessica Alba. On those occasions when I shave, her shave creams really do the trick.

Hopes for a Seth Rogen/Jonah Hill makeout party as a way to end their interminable Halle Berry/Judie Dench bit were never answered.

Note to indie musicians everywhere: live your dream and some day the crappy mopey ballad that never got you any action from the girls in your dorm may beat out a bunch of crappy polished songs from the bowels of the Disney corporate Leviathan.

And to Billy Ray Cyrus: Please lock your achey-breaky offspring far away from the public eye for the rest of my life.

Bearded Viggo is always good news.

File under we get it already:
Jack Nicholson likes to fuck.
Penelope Cruz is hot.
Brits are classy.
Cuba Gooding jumped around a lot that one time.
Hillary Swank is really really a girl even though she played that transguy.
Dennis Hopper once did drugs.
Anger equals acting.
Action sequences equal editing.
The Past equals costume design.

Anyway, I have nothing to complain about; I got to spend the evening with my friends Chris and Thor and got to eat delicious homemade tacos, brownies and rhubarb pie.